It’s easy, and only
takes five minutes of your time. Once you become a Coffee Club Card member you
are entitled to free purchases, but only when you spend your life savings and
donate a kidney. Payment protection is not included and you may be required to
submit all of your details at least twice to confirm you are a moron in giving
us all of your information. Please note, in the interest of data protection, we
will not share your details with any other parties or companies.*
*This do not include any member of
the Coffee Club team, our sponsorship and partner associations, the data
collection agencies, scamming corporations, salesmen of any description, the
Royal Marines, anyone imitating a Government Official, hackers who regularly
steal our information, the Post Man from next door, Joseph Noseybottom at 33
Inyourbusiness Road, and any other entity deemed worthy of sharing your
information with.
Great,
you are almost registered. Please now enter your details according to the field
that is required. Please note; only enter the field that is required into the
required field. Failure to comply with entering the field required into the
required field will result in a complete malfunction of our webpage, and you
may be charged up to, but not exceeding or including £1.2 million pounds.
Now, please choose a password, and
carefully repeat this identically but not exactly into the box adjacent but not
on screen. Please be aware, all passwords are case sensitive and must contain
at least one upper case letter, no symbols of any description, no gaps though
spaces are allowed, passwords must not be the same as your name but can include
parts of your name that are not in your name, must include the ins key, and at least two digits –
preferably from your left hand. Failure to comply will result in Government
agents arresting your grandmother and the loss of a big toe, as well as a fine
that may exceed £5 million pounds.
Super, now please enter all of your
details with the asterisks marked. This includes your forenames, surname, date
of birth, address lines, height, expected weight on 24.05.2045, your credit
card details, your mothers bra size, your best friend’s mother’s maiden name,
an approximation of the level of ineptitude for the person who is sitting next
to you (marks out of ten but ten not inclusive ranging from zero being highest
and ten being lowest but not inclusive), and any other relevant information
that we may require in order to process your Coffee Club Card ineffectively.
Failure to comply with entering
these details could result in you being decapitated, and imprisoned for the
rest of the 21st century. This is not an obligation.
You’re almost there! Please take a
moment to review our terms and conditions below, alternatively, please enter
the four hundred and seventy two digit code we have supplied you with on the
back of your card, and press submit.
Terms
and Conditions:
Coffee
Club Cards can be used in selected participating stores nationwide but must not
be used if not participating or selected. The card is not an identity card but
please provide us with all information we ask for so that in the event of a
lost card, stolen card, or temporarily mislaid somewhere near the third drawer
in the kitchen card, we can identify you most slowly and painfully. Our Coffee
Club partners and associates may contact you and reserve the right to come to
your house and eat lunch with your wife without warning, and may in some cases
abduct a child (the least favourite is preferred.) They also would like to congratulate
you on behalf of Coffee Club’s management team for being a valued and continuing
customer of the Coffee Club and you will now be entitled to benefits that may
include; a cup that is not broken, staff that get the order correct, table service
without spillage on your lap, a coffee that is hot, amongst many other fine
bonuses. Please note; this only applies at selected and participating stores
When you have noted the
error in password box that appears upon your screen, please re-enter your
password again, as we have reset this to protect your identity against fraud.
Please be aware, the notification box will not disappear
Please repeat this for the Email box.
And again for the password box.
That is not a valid Date of Birth.
Perfect. Now you have entered all of the details we
require, please confirm you were born after 1743 but not later than 2185, and click
submit again, if you are still breathing.
Now we have returned you to the top of the page without
warning, you will not be sure if your registration was successful. You will
receive an email shortly but not imminently that will tell you the many great
benefits of having a Coffee Club Card, most notably, that you do not need your
Coffee Club Card to get Coffee Club Card points. You can download the app for
free. To do so, please provide the details on the back of your Coffee Club
Card, then for future purchases, you will not need your Coffee Club Card,
expect in the event of a lost, stolen, or temporarily mislaid somewhere near
the third drawer in the kitchen, so that we can identify you. May we please
just confirm and repeat your Coffee Club Card is not a form of identification.
Thank you for taking the time to attempt registering your card.
Great news, you are now signed up to the Coffee Club
Card. To complete your registration, please login. Once you have logged in, log
out, and then back in again, repeat this twice, and you will be notified of how
many Coffee Club points you will have.
Well Done! You have now got three Coffee Club points. You
are almost at enough points to purchase a free seat. Please note, points are not
valid until validated and your Coffee Club Card is required to be presented
upon purchase. Failure to do so may result in a huge explosion somewhere close
to your naval and a fine of up to but not exceeding or including £100
Quadrillion pounds.
Thank You for registering your Coffee Club Card.
